Ah Man Blog

Sweet Freedom

Back in 1973, I was given a book called the “Bhagavad Gita.”  I had been visiting a Hare Krishna Temple and talking to its devotees for a while, and they would tell me that I was not this body (the young man I was at the time); that I was spirit soul, meaning that the body was just a covering for my spirit, my soul.  I got it right away. 

I’d had a feeling for a while that there was more.  It was only a year earlier that my mother had died, six months after my dad passed away.  When I was at their wakes, and looked in their coffins, I knew that it was not the real them in there.  At the wake and at the funeral, the priests talked about my parents going to the Father, saying something about ashes to ashes . . . dust to dust.  This didn’t make any sense to me at the time.  But when the Hare Krishna devotees talked about our bodies being made of the elements and how we were much more than that, things began to click for me.  They told me that I, i.e., my spirit soul, was part of God.  I now knew that I was much more than this body.

They also talked to me about Dharma (our duty).  In essence, our Dharma is why we are here.  So in a very short time, I found the answers (which were, of course, my answers, not necessary yours) to who I was and why I am here. 

Wow!  At 16 years old, I had found the answers that many folks take a lifetime to discover!  Can you imagine?  Some people travel to faraway lands in search of teachers to help them find the answers to those two questions.  And I was blessed to stumble across them right away.  The freedom that came from this knowledge was tremendous.  I was truly rocketed into another dimension!

At the age of 18, within a year after meeting the devotees and reading some of the “Bhagavad Gita,” I left home to become a monk . . . to get more answers, to learn where I was going and how I would get there and much, much more.  I went to the ashram in West Virginia for the next couple of years but, eventually, life events and my disease of alcoholism would get the best of me and I left.  But what I learned there had given me a freedom and independence I truly did treasure.  I never lost that independence and freedom, but was obscured over the next 13- plus years. 

But, eventually, that same independence and freedom re-emerged and led me to be who I am today, a man coming from his heart, helping others to come from their Ah-Man.

To learn more about Michael Hoare and Ah-Man, visit here.

Healing from Parental Abuse - Part 2

A couple of weeks ago, I shared the first part of my journey of healing from the mental, emotional, physical and sexual abuse I suffered at the hands of my alcoholic parents.   It was not until I started undergoing therapy for my own alcoholism that the healing process began.

Therapy was extremely important for me, because for a very long time I didn’t acknowledge what had happened to me when I was a child.  And deep down inside, I had believed it was my fault.  It’s obvious that I was more than a little mixed up, to say the least!

Finding the right therapist to work with is crucial.  It was important to me to work with a therapist who was familiar with the 12-Step Program.  The Program was a vital part of my journey at that time, so I needed to work with someone who was “in tune” with the steps. 

It took time for me to build trust with my therapist, but I was determined to “fix” myself.  I laugh at myself as I write this, because I now know that it is all part of my journey…part of the Divine Plan.  As we delved deeper into my issues, my therapist did something that felt awkward at first, but it helped me become whole again.  She validated to me that what I experienced was horrifying.  Initially, I had been unable to even acknowledge that the abuse had affected me.  I would talk about it without feeling; with a sense of detachment, even, as if it happened to someone else.  As I told her of the terrible incidents, she would yell out “Those bastards” or “How dare they treat you like that” or “What was wrong with them.”

At first I thought it odd that she was getting all riled up, but it wasn’t long before her acting out started to resonate with me and I began to feel the pain of what had happened to me.  I realized that she was feeling my pain on my behalf, until I could begin feeling it on my own.  I was in the beginning stages of healing from the abuse I had experienced as a child growing up with alcoholic parents. 

As I worked with my therapist, I also worked with psycho drama groups and other such modalities.  Over the next several years, as I went through those healing stages, I was able to separate myself from the abuse most of the time.  I also began taking better care of myself.  Most of all, I began to like myself and acknowledged that I am a smart guy…and a good man.

Next time, I’ll share some of the final steps I took toward healing… in Ireland, of all places!

To learn more about Michael Hoare and Ah-Man, visit here.

Sundays with Dad

[In honor of Father’s Day, I’m taking a break.  Several weeks ago, I invited each of my 3 offspring to give me a day off from the blog by sharing with you a powerful memory associated with me.  Well, to paraphrase the old Meat Loaf song, “One Out of Three Ain’t Bad.”  This week, I happily turn over the writing reins to my beautiful daughter Elaine.  I’ll be back next week.  Michael]

My parents got divorced when I was young, and Dad had visitation with us on Sundays.  I felt like we had to do all this "living" with Dad in a short period of time.  But it forced us (my siblings and I) to cram a lot of fun into this one day: Sunday.

There are so many fun Sundays that spring to mind.  My favorite outings were at the beach.  Even though my Dad would slather us in a SPF “wool sweater,” we always had a blast.  And then there are our numerous trips to Bear Mountain with a bunch of hiking.  And the Mets games where my Dad always had the coolest signs: "Outfielders may come and go but Strawberry Fields are forever."  Or our adventures rock climbing at Central Park.  My Dad always made sure we were outside and had plenty of fun.  By the end of the day, we were exhausted or passed out for the ride home.

To this day, on some Sundays when I wake up and realize what day it is, for a split second I think of Dad.  I am glad Father's Day is always on a Sunday because Sundays have always been "Dad's Day" to us.

To learn more about Michael Hoare and Ah-Man, visit here.

Healing from Parental Abuse - Part 1

Last week, I shared the fact that I have few memories of my father prior to his becoming an active alcoholic.  Years later, when I was in rehab myself, I remember being shown pictures of alcoholics in the latter stages of cirrhosis of the liver.  It was when I saw those pictures that I began the process of healing from the abuse I suffered at the hands of both my parents.

The pictures reminded me so much of how Mom and Dad looked at the end of their lives.  Their skin and eyes were yellow.  They were very skinny, except for their mid-sections, which were very large.  As a child, I didn’t realize that they were bloated and their livers were distended. 

The rehab counselor talked about alcoholism and its different stages.  I had always heard people say that alcoholism is a disease, but it never really clicked until that day.  That’s when I realized that my parents were sick.  It was never a question of choice or morality.   Alcohol had taken over their minds; much like it did to mine prior to coming into the rehab.

I had reached a point where alcohol was telling me what to do and when to do it.  I completely lost the ability to make my own choices.  At some point long ago, the same thing had happened to my parents.  

I found this new insight somewhat comforting, but very confusing.  If my parents lacked the ability to make rational choices, were they not at fault for the physical, mental and sexual abuse I endured?  The rehab counselor clarified that they were indeed accountable for their actions.  That moment of comprehension was quickly followed by a harsh realization.   If my parents were accountable for their actions while in the grip of alcoholism, then so was I. 

But my heart was beginning to open.  I was able to open a door that had been closed for a very long time.  And the light that seeped in dispersed some of my old thinking, and allowed some room for compassion.  My parents were sick people, not bad people. And so my healing began.

To learn more about Michael Hoare and Ah-Man, visit here.

A Healing Memory of Dad

I began healing from the painful memories of my Dad some 35 years after his death, and it was an incredibly powerful experience, in more ways than you can possibly imagine.  I’m going to continue a story that I began in my June newsletter.  But first, you need to know that, unlike my older siblings, I have no memories of my Dad before he became an active alcoholic – or so I thought.  However…

Several years ago, I was staying in my childhood friend’s log cabin up in Woodstock, New York.  It’s a beautiful cabin in the woods.  I was meditating in silence on the porch early that morning, feeling God all around me.  I heard Her in the singing of the birds, felt Him in the breeze through the trees and smelled God’s pine scent.  God was everywhere and I was truly witnessing all of it, without being a part of it.

Suddenly, a memory popped into my head out of nowhere. 

I am seeing my Dad and me at the beach.  I’m only about 18 months old and my little hands are holding on to each of his index fingers as he swings and rocks me over the breaking waves on a summer morning in Rockaway Beach, Queens, where we spent our summers up until a few years before my parents died.

I hear my Dad saying “Wheeeee!” as he lifts me.  I look back and he’s grinning ear to ear, and I see all of his big teeth in his mouth.  He has hair on his head.  (The earliest memories I had of him were when I was around six years old and by then he had lost most his hair).  He’s having such a ball with me and he’s all mine; none of my other siblings were around and I never felt so much joy while with my Dad before.

I’m screaming with delight as he picks me up over the waves.  I keep looking back and seeing how much fun he’s having with me and I can feel how much fun I was having with him.

Then as the next wave come.  He doesn’t pick me up and the cold water of the wave breaks right on me.  I’m stunned by the wet, cold water!  I look back to see why Dad didn’t pick me up, and there he is laughing.  (My confused and shocked look must have been hysterically funny.)  But when I see him laughing, I know it is ok and I start to scream and laugh at the same time.

He picks me up and cradles me in his big arms and hugs me and comforts me, saying “It’s alright, nothing to be afraid of” and I laugh and he laughs.

Just then, I hear my mother calling him.  “Bill, bring Michael up so I can put some lotion on him.”  And so he does.  He carries me up the beach, back to the blanket my Mom is on and hands me off to her.

While my mother slathered on the Coppertone® suntan lotion, the feeling of love I experienced from my parents was truly a gift.  My mother was protecting me with the lotion and my Dad was having fun with me.

Years later, when I took my kids to Rockaway Beach, I too would smother them in suntan lotion and it became a running joke with them.  My kids would always squirm and ask, “Dad why do you put so much suntan lotion on us?” or “Oh no, Dad’s got the suntan lotion out, look out!”I didn’t realize the connection at the time, of course, because the memory of my parents and the suntan lotion didn’t surface until my kids were fully grown. 

What a memory to recapture!  Then, on the day that the memory came flooding back, I suddenly realized that it was Fathers Day, as well!  Tears of joy washed down my face.  Since Mom and Dad passed away many years ago, I didn’t think of them a lot on Mother’s Day or Fathers Day.  But that day, I was blessed with a gift from the both of them and God.  The healing that happened then still lasts to this day.  When I think of my Dad or my Mom (and I now do think of them on Mothers and Fathers Day), I don’t think of the painful memories any more.  Instead, I think about the wonderful memories that returned to me that day, as well as the others that have come back to me since.

In the end, I truly believe the healing had to come from God.  Yes, I had to do my part, which I did.  But, ultimately it is up to God.  A friend of mine says “Work as if everything depends on you, pray as if everything depends of God.”

To learn more about Michael Hoare and Ah-Man, visit here.

The Divine Feminine: Resources

I hope that my blog articles over the past few weeks have helped you understand and practice being in The Divine Feminine Energy.  As we close out the month, I want to share some of the tools and resources that have helped illuminate the topic for me over the last couple of years.

Books

Women of Power and Grace by Timothy Conway
Love Poems from God by Daniel Ladinsky
Journey of the Soul by Jerry Thomas

CDs

Om Jesu Christi Miserere Nobis
Om Sai
Mother Divine: Sacred Chants of Devi /108 Sacred Names by Craig Pruess and Ananda

I have only been able to find the first two CDs above though Still Point Retreats.  If you have any problems in ordering, feel free to contact me for assistance.

You can find the Mother Divine CD at Amazon.

Namaste,

Michael

To learn more about Michael Hoare and Ah-Man, visit here.

Practicing the Divine Feminine

So how does one practice living in The Divine Feminine Energy?

It’s really very easy.  However, due to our conditioning, we make it much harder than it has to be.  I catch myself many times “striving” to achieve God, the Feminine Energy while meditating.  Then I just laugh at myself and relax to receive.

So, yes, silent meditation is one of the best ways to go into the Divine Feminine.  But I usually need something to lead me into the silence, such as a CD of a mantra with soothing background music for 10 minutes or so, then into the silence for another 15 or 20 or however many minutes you allow yourself.

We can also practice being in the Divine Feminine Energy throughout our day.  This can be done by “witnessing” the events of the day.  What I mean here is not becoming emotionally involved in the reactions and circumstances around you.  Let me clarify that a little more.  I mean that you should not pass judgment on the way others act, or on how things unfold.  It’s not that you don’t care; you do care, and you take the appropriate actions in any given situation.  But you’re not entangled in the results.

Just smile, acknowledge others, look into their eyes and let them see who you are:  “Pure Spirit witnessing all of this as God/Divine Consciousness.”  That is practicing “Face Yoga.”  Yoga means to link up with The Divine.  So when you smile at others, regardless of their position in life, know that you are smiling at their Divineness.

To learn more about Michael Hoare and Ah-Man, visit here.

Remarkable Women: Part 2

I hope you’re feeling the love that I’m feeling as you read about these incredible saints and avatars.  There were just too many to include last week, so here are a few more:

Mother Teresa (1910-1997) was born in Albania and raised as a Roman Catholic.  As a young girl, she loved hearing stories of missionaries.  At the age of 18, she left home to join the Sisters of Loreto.  She eventually left her convent to wander and help the poor and sick on her own, with only God’s help.  In 1950, she was given permission to start the Missionaries of Charity.  Its mission was to care for, "…all those people who feel unwanted, unloved, uncared for throughout society, people that have become a burden to the society and are shunned by everyone."  She won many humanitarian awards, but most importantly, she was able to give dignity to the helpless, poor, sick and dying.

Anasuya Devi (1923-1985) was God-realized from birth.  She later married, raised a family and founded a large spiritual community in South India.  Celebrated as “Mother of all,” her remarkable teachings uphold the Supreme Power of God and the “original innocence” of all beings. 

Syama Mataji (b.1916) fully realized God in a short but wonderful time, by simply chanting/focusing her entire being on the Divine Names of God (Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna, Krishna, Krishna, Hare, Hare, Hare Rama, Hare Rama, Rama, Rama, Hare, Hare).  Awesome miracles and exquisite songs of devotion have emanated from her ever since. 

And then there is Amma Mata Amritanandamayi (b.1953) esteemed as another stupendous Incarnation of the Divine Mother.  Today, she is India’s leading female light, with a mission growing by leaps and bounds.  She selflessly travels the world to console, hug, heal and inspire millions of children with the power of Divine Love.  She is also known as the “Hugging Mother.”

It is not a coincidence that these blessed women emerged within the last two centuries.  After almost 200 years of banishing the feminine energy, I believe that these women came forth to usher in a new age of the Divine Feminine Energy.

To learn more about Michael Hoare and Ah-Man, visit here.

Remarkable Women: Part 1

Approximately 1600 years ago, there came a turning point for women.   The first Christian Roman Emperor, Constantine, wanted to spread Christianity worldwide.  To do this, he formed the Council of Nicaea.  At this council, many changes were made to the teachings of Jesus Christ, as well as to the role women played.  Much was lost.  As time passed, women with holy mystical powers were demonized, and later burned at the stake, thus diminishing the role of women in our society and our spirituality.

In the last 100+ years, The Divine Feminine Energy of God has made itself more prevalent than ever.  Some very powerful women have blessed us with their presence and allowed us to see the Feminine Energy of God through them.  Here are just a few:

Mother Frances Cabrini (1850-1917).  She is credited with many miracles while she was on the earth and even after her passing, miracles were attributed to her. 

Then there was Therese Neumann (1898-1962), a Catholic mystic, stigmatist and miracle women from Germany, who transformed her remarkable sufferings into means of helping and healing others. 

Mother Maria Skobtsova (1891-1945), a Russian socialist intellectual who later sacrificed herself to help Russians and Jews in Paris during the 1930s and 1940s, courageously died a martyr’s death in the Nazi concentration camps on behalf of her fellow inmates. 

Hazrat Babajan (? – 1931), was an Afghani Muslim princess in her youth, but left home to trek through India, where she studied from Muslim and Hindu teachers.  She lived in solitude and later gained renown as a Sufi sage and enigmatic wonder-worker of tremendous blessing force.  When she died in 1931, she was alleged to be 130 or even 140 years old.

Anandamayi Ma (1892-1982), known as the “Blissful Mother” and guru to gurus, was an illustrious mystic and sage who was hailed as a Divine Incarnation.  Her mother had a number of auspicious dreams of gods and goddesses before Ma’s birth; a sign usually indicating the presence of an imminent mahatma (Great Soul).  The infant Ma did not cry at birth and throughout her childhood was remarkably serene.  It is said that nobody could fail to understand her, for she addressed herself to all as if they were at the same level as children of God.

This list is by no means all-inclusive.  Next week, more remarkable stories of remarkable women.

To learn more about Michael Hoare and Ah-Man, visit here.

The Difference between the Feminine and Masculine Energy of God

What is the difference between the Feminine and Masculine Energy of God?  You might say it’s the difference between religion and spirituality.  And you would be right, in some sense.  As a matter of fact, that’s the topic of this week’s blog. 

The basic principles of any religion are Masculine.  The DOs and DON’Ts, rights and wrongs, the dogma, the rituals . . . they are all masculine aspects of God, which can help attain God Consciousness.  Yet all of these are ways of striving to attain what the specific religion is focusing on and that’s the Masculine.

On the other hand, the Divine Feminine is a way of allowing; a way of receiving.  Do you get the difference?  Here’s another way of explaining the nuance: striving to attain God (Masculine) vs. allowing yourself to know that “I am pure spirit, witnessing all of this as God,” and thus receiving (Feminine) the love that is already there.  There is nothing you have to attain.  It is like the relationship between a mother and a child.  The mother loves the child unconditionally, without the child needing to do anything to deserve that love.  Even when the child has done something inappropriate, does the mother stop loving her child?  No.  Are there consequences for the child?  Yes . . . but that does not stop the love the mother has for the child.

Have you noticed a theme here?  The Feminine Energy of God . . . The Divine Feminine . . . Mothers.

One of the most special days of the year occurs this month: Mother’s Day.  To acknowledge Mother’s Day, my May blog entries will focus on ways to understand and practice being in The Divine Feminine Energy.

I promise you an interesting and insightful journey.

To learn more about Michael Hoare and Ah-Man, visit here.